If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
What drink are we having for lunch?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
