I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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