I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
