I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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