Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
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I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
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Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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