I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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