How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
She bit a glass in half.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
