girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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