you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
You ate ashes out of my bong
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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