guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
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It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
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I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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