I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
