Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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