In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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