did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
What drink are we having for lunch?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
