I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
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