I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
