swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
