if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Randomize
