my room smells like sperm. sweet.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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