I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
third nipple confirmed
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
