Umm I'm too high to move.
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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