I wish my penis had an off switch
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
