yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
