I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
my shit smells like andre
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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