We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
