so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Mom said you looked used
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
