Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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