i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
