The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
