I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
What a dumb baby whore.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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