I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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