He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
this boner is exhausting
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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