She is in my trunk
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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