sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
the day after is always just damage control
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
