yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
