Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
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