At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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