Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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