Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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