Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
