my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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