Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Never joke about your clitoris.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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