Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
