i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
FUCK WHALES
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
