On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
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