this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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