i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I need a burrito and a hug.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
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