I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
