Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
