i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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