I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Randomize
