Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
