Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
