it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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