1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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