I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
