Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
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